Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Shut the Fuck Up (a love story)

Honey, I love you, but shut the fuck up. Not just now but, yes, now would be good too, but generally. You see, the thing is, I don’t think you realise just how boring you are. Like last night for instance. You totally hogged the conversation, going on and on about your bike engine. Then it was your problems with the car, and then the bloody mortgage. Nobody there wanted to hear all that! I mean, they’re our friends and everything, but there are limits. Yes they were listening, but they were pretending to be interested out of politeness, and towards the end it was obvious they were finding it a strain. Some of them even gave up and you didn’t even notice. It was so embarrassing. I kept on trying to give you little hints and change the subject to something that might be a bit more entertaining than spare motor parts, but you just kept on going. Look, when people ask how you are, they don’t literally want to hear about every single thing going on in your life that’s having some effect on you. They don’t want to hear about what’s going on at your work because actually, no one understands what it is you do. I’m sure it’s fascinating when you’re there, but when you tell people about it, it really isn’t. And nobody wants to know about what someone who you knew years ago said in an email. They’ve never met the man. They don’t care! And then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the waiter comes over and you had to ask all those tiresome questions and lecture him about the various wine regions. He is not interested. At the end of the day he is there to bring the food over and take the plates away again and that’s it. He’s not going to care about the wine. He probably doesn’t even drink wine. I expect he drinks lager or Guinness or something. And everybody else just wanted to order. They were hungry for Christ’s sake! So, please, not just for my benefit, but yours too, because you’re making everybody hate you - you do know that don’t you, and I think I say this on behalf of everybody - that is, everybody you know, everybody you’ve ever met, and everybody you potentially will meet - so on behalf of the entire population of planet Earth, will you please just shut the fuck up? There, I’ve said it. Only because I love you. You do know that, don’t you?

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